Remembering To Be Grateful...

It seems like, no matter how many blessings one has, it is still sometimes hard to remember to be grateful. The bills keep coming, the house is never clean enough, the kids are throwing tantrums, etc...therefore, it is imperative to constatntly be assessing priorities, and taking the time to find and accentuate the good in every situation and to let go of the bad. This is all that is needed for a happy life. Deciding to be happy can be hard work, but once you have dedicated yourself to it, it becomes a habit, and then a lifestyle and then, eventually it is second nature and takes no thought at all. In that vein, i am deciding to see the good. I am choosing to be happy. My house may never be spotless but it is scattered with my babies toys; the unmade bed that I spent all night nursing my son in, the messy bathroom where G is learning to brush his own teeth...These are not eye sores to be moaned and fretted over, these are deliciusly messy reminders of a life that Love built...

This Home

This Home.
was built on Love,
Nourished with Laughter
Blessed by God.
And will be Protected from harm
by Strong Hands
and Happy Hearts
that will give Freely
towards Building a Haven
Around
the Lives they have created....

Looking forward to the week ahead with excitement and gratitude :)

Letter to Giovanni 4.25.2012 (2yrs, 5 months)

Hi my love,

Your brother Isaiah arrived into the world 6 days ago on April 19th, 2012. A couple days before he arrived, your dad and I took you to get your first real haircut and spent a lovely day at the Oregon Zoo with you to celebrate Packy the elephants 50th birthday. That day was so special for me, You talked about seeing Packy all day and had a blast running around and oohing and ahhing over the "big animals" (sea lions) and the sheep, pigs and cows at the petting zoo. We all went on a train ride and  you jumped, giggled and made your dad and I laugh the whole time. All day long I marveled at you, looking so handsome with your new haircut. I couldn't stop smiling at your delight in the sunshine and animals.

When your brother was born, I stayed in the hospital for two days afterwards. When I came home, you had gone on a growth spurt and seemed to have "grown up" before my very eyes. While I am, of course, delighted to see you growing into such a strong, healthy, amazing boy, it also made me sad to think that soon, you will not be a baby anymore and this (along with the pregnancy hormones) has stirred up some wonderful memories as well as some sadness in me remembering when you were my only baby!

For the past two and a half years, the amount of joy and the infinite number of beautiful, lasting memories you have given me are immeasurable and priceless. I remember when, we brought you home from the hospital and you were so tiny (and very very collicky) you hardly slept and were restless and upset most of the day and night but, despite all that fussiness, I fell madly in love with you, taking pictures to document even the slightest smile, new discovery and moments of your day. I would put you on the counter in your bouncing chair while I made dinner and strap a tiny, rattling toy duck to your wrist to play with. I would list out loud to you every ingredient I was using and you would watch me intently with your beautiful eyes, As you got older, I would bring your high chair in and have you "help" me make dinner while I fed you bits and pieces of tomatoes, cheese and any other ingredients I thought you would enjoy. During your earliest days, you hated to miss any of the action going on in the house so I would carry you and your boppy pillow with me from room to room, propping you up and talking to you while I did laundry or dishes or caught an occasional and rare nap.

These days you amuse your mama to no end with your love of your sidewalk chalk as well as your watering can that your great grandpa gave you and that you use to water the flowers and grass any time the sun comes out. Your love of nature, basketball, water and the park and your funny, light spirit that keeps us all laughing. When I came home from the hospital with Isaiah fearing that maybe you wouldn't feel as close to me with the new addition, you helped me with the baby and gave me your big, wonderful signature hugs throughout the day where you pull me in tight to you, close your eyes and hold me for as long as I need you to. When your dad and I venured out to the waterfront park the other day, you found a tiny patch of sand and stood on it, calling it the "beach".  When I was sitting by your crib one night after putting you to bed and began to get nostalgic and sniffle into the phone while talking to your Grandma Bubby (or "Bubb-ah" as you call her in your sweet, still baby voice) you began sniffing to mimic my sniffling, automatically making me laugh out loud to which you responded by laughing out loud as well, once again cheering my heart as you always do. I have made it my goal to sit next to your bed every night until you are asleep and this has brought me so much joy as we sing and laugh you off to sleep. The other night, as your grandma sang to you over the phone from many many miles away, you raised your arm and waved your sippy cup in the air, once again eliciting laughter from your mama. I love nothing more than I love watching you grow into a person that clearly lights the hearts of others in such an effortless way. Everywhere we go, you make people laugh and strangers are always commenting on how cute you are.

During the past two and a half years, you have blossomed into this funy, smart and absolutely breathtakingly beautiful boy who loves to dance, loves to watch, sing and dance to Yo Gabba Gabba (so much so that you have earned the nickname Gabba Man from your dad), loves to be read to (Bedtime little Monsters, Muddy paws and Curious George are some favorites) and who would choose picking flowers for mama, watching birds and playing with sticks and rocks over strenuous sports any day. You are strong and solid in build but you are kind and gentle and treat other kids with respect. You and I have so many inside jokes from all the time we have spent together reading, taking field trips and spending countless hours on end together. When you are eating your snacks, you will look over at me and move your lips and make a funny face. I mimic this which never fails to send you into a laughing fit. Another favorite joke of ours is for me to take this old green basket and pretend it is a hat. I let the basket fall off my head while talking and then I act shocked and you start cracking up. When someone asks how old you are you assuredly say "TWO" while holding up 2 fingers and when someone asks your name, you happily yell out "Big G"!! You love it when I sing songs from Yo Gabba Gabba and you have this wonderful imagination where an old cone becomes a loudspeaker, a plastic toy becomes a juice cup and you will endlessly amuse yourself by acting out scenes from a favorite show or from something that happened during your day. You love playing the drums your dad got you and you hate to be told to be quiet. You have recently started saying "okay mama" when I ask you to do something and you say, "please, thank you and I'm sorry" at the appropriate times. These funny little things you do and these times we share warm my heart and make me remember that, even though you are now not my only baby, you will forever be my first born, you will forever be my baby and you will always hold a wonderful, huge spot in my heart that only you can fill.

Thank you for all the memories and for being my big helper. I will forever cherish the times we have spent just you and I and I am looking forward to a life of laughter and love as I watch you and your brother grow up into the great friends and great men I know you will become! I love you my little "sweet pea", "green bean" "baby beast", "Gabba Man", "Rock N Roll", "Big G" :)

Big hugs from your ever loving mama!

Road Trippin

I am lucky that, with the line of work I am in, we are slow around the holidays and I am afforded long vacations during these periods. Having been gifted with 3 weeks off over the end of December/beginning of January, I had planned an 8 day trip to California to visit family. Being 6 and a half months pregnant, I had not planned on bringing my 2 year old along on this trip. However, at the last minute, I started having anxiety about being away from my precious boy for that long and decided that I simply must take him with me. Of course my family and friends thought I was nuts for taking on this amount of work and all tried to assure me it could not be done. Well, fortunately, I am the type of person that, when determined to do something, only becomes more determined the more people try to assure me that what I want to do cannot be done…

So, at 6am on a cold Monday morning, I headed out for the long drive from Portland, Oregon to California w/my half asleep baby in the back seat. I drove for about two hours while he slept peacefully. With my cup of coffee close by, a full tank of gas, my GPS securely in place and my CD player cranking out my favorite tunes, I felt peaceful and free. Giovanni woke up at about 8am and we stopped for breakfast at a place called Joe’s Café in Harrisburg, Oregon. The portions were huge and tasty, the food was cheap and Giovanni kept me entertained by pointing at a man with a long white beard sitting near us and occasionally yelling “Santa Clause” at this stranger. After breakfast, we took a stroll through a little country store filled with souvenirs and snacks and I let Giovanni pick out some goodies for the road. Once back on the road, I drove for about an hour and a half before stopping for gas, getting in a quick diaper change and letting Giovanni run around on a strip of lush green grass set away from the road. I couldn't help but laugh as my baby skipped and cooed happily while investigating each leaf, drop of dew and dandelion intently. Our next stop a couple hours later was in Roseburg, Oregon where I pulled up to an indoor shopping mall. Giovanni had me cracking up laughing when he looked out the window, saw the mall and exclaimed, “Mall, we’re at the mall!!!” As if of course that explained this long drive perfectly. Stopping in a rite aid bathroom for a diaper change where they had no changing table, I reluctantly laid my jacket on the bathroom floor and placed Giovanni on top of it while his trusting, happy gaze thanked me for my selflessness. During our stop at the mall I bought him snacks, refilled his sippy cup and gave him a handful of quarters to put in the candy and prize machines. We stayed a the mall for about an hour and a half before beginning our trek to our stop-for-the-night destination of Ashland, Oregon. We got to Ashland around 3pm and checked into our hotel. I put on Yo Gabba Gabba on the Ipad for Giovanni while I brought our luggage in and then we headed out to Lithia park, a gorgeous park in downtown Ashland where Giovanni got to chase ducks, stand on a bridge overlooking a river bed and check out a mini waterfall. After Lithia park, we walked around downtown for a bit to enjoy the amazing 65 degree weather (in January!!). All of the quaint shops were still decked out in beautiful Christmas lights and Giovanni was fascinated. When we had had our fill of sightseeing, we headed back to the hotel for pizza, cartoons and a trip to the indoor heated pool. At first, Giovanni was afraid of the pool but I sat him on the first step and let him jump into my arms. Once he would jump I would swoop him up in my arms and twirl him around the pool. All the way back to our room (and for half the night after that) he excitedly talked about the pool with a big smile on his face.

The next day we enjoyed a continental breakfast in the hotel lobby followed by more Yo Gabba Gabba while I packed up the car. Once we were all ready, we hit the road for Redding, where we stopped at the Turtle Bay Exploration Center. Giovanni was fascinated by the amazing park and wildlife inside of the exploration center and by the beautiful Sun Dial Bridge adjacent to the center. We took a bunch of pictures and I couldn’t believe that 3 hours had passed by the time we got back in the car. Next stop was In N Out where we met my uncle that lives in Redding before hitting the road for my moms house in Concord, Ca. We got to grandmas house at about 7pm and got Giovanni bathed, fed and in his jammies so he could begin unwinding for the long drive.

Throughout our whole stay in the bay area, We were blessed with beautiful, sunny, 75 degree weather and the days seemed endless as we visited with family, went on trips to the park and out to eat, visited the beach in Santa Cruz and even squeezed in an impromptu baby shower. Giovanni’s teen aged cousins showered him with attention and he got to bond with his grandma who just could not get enough of his dimpled smile and funny, outgoing personality. Giovanni also got to spend time with both his great grandma Dee and great grandpa Lou who adore him. As for me, I was blessed with this amazing, once in a lifetime experience of true one on one bonding with my only son before his little brother arrives in just a few short months. A memory that stands out in particular is of Giovanni and I napping at my moms house one afternoon. When he woke up, he was turned away from me and started to fuss. I whispered his name and he turned towards me, smiled and gave me the biggest hug while nodding his head up and down as if to say, “yes, now this is just right” J

I could not have asked for a more perfect time and I will treasure always the memories of signing songs to him while on the road, waking up each day at my moms to his happy sounds and his angelic face smiling at me from the pack N play and feeling his soft, warm, toddler arms around my neck when he would stop to hug me during the day or as he drifted off to sleep at night. Was the trip a lot of work? Definitely! Am I exhausted? You know I am. Would I have changed one single minute of it? No way!

Since we have returned home it has been torture to tear myself away from Giovanni for even a few hours to go to work each day but the thoughts of our amazing trip still burn bright in my mind, helping me through the dreary hours away from home and giving me something to look forward to when I return each night and get to hold my baby tight and rock him to sleep at night. When baby Isaiah arrives in April, I have no doubt that he and Giovanni will be the best of friends and that, once again, my heart will expand to a level of love and bonding that I didn’t know I was capable of. But, in my heart, my mind and my soul, I will never forget the smiles, the memories, the love and the closeness that my first born and I shared, just the two of us, on this very special trip.

All the love I have, I give to you, my sweet baby!

-New Mommy in Town

The Luckiest Time of the Year

Every day, in my mind, the same voice, “Must write more, must record these fleeting moments as they occur so that someday I can relive them through words”. And every day the same weary response, “I worked so hard today, so tired. I will write tomorrow.” Alas, tomorrow comes and there are no words, no memories recorded, no new page in the baby book or witty blog to remind me of the time that is flying by much too fast. So, today at least, fueled by annoyance with myself that my last baby book entry for Giovanni was his FIRST birthday, today, I will write.

Giovanni is growing up so fast, too fast, before his doting mother and father’s eyes. He is a beautiful boy with sparkling eyes that appear dark brown but, when the sunlight hits them just right, they are the most amazing hazel color, filled with hues of green and gold. He turned 2 on November 16th and we had a pizza/play land extravaganza at Out of this World in Hillsboro on the 16th followed by a big home birthday bash for him the following Saturday. The party was a big success with a custom made basketball cake, play doh sculpture making contests, musical chairs, pin the nose on the clown, and of course lots and lots of friends and food in the house. The highlight of G’s party was when his dad presented to him a wooden table top train set, each piece lovingly picked out and the table hand painted by Johnny. Johnny had spent weeks on this special gift and the pure, innocent joy on G’s face as he ran towards the set made all the hard work more than worth it.

Not to be overshadowed by birthday fun, Thanksgiving quickly came rolling in. G was getting over a cold and slept most of Thanksgiving day while we made a 13 lb turkey accessorized with stuffing, green bean casserole, scalloped potatoes and macaroni and cheese. Johnny watched football most of the day and it was a beautiful, relaxing time for our family. The Saturday following Thanksgiving we took Giovanni to cut down a tree at a Christmas Tree Farm. The outing was far from the idyllic adventure we had imagined with Giovanni crying to be held by his father the whole time, whining, falling in the mud and acting generally perturbed that we would dare take him out when he was just getting over his Thanksgiving cold. We picked out a medium sized tree quickly and got it home to get our cranky boy out of the cold and down for a nap. The next day I took Giovanni to Target where he picked out his first ornament. It is an adorable little blue penguin and I wrote the date and Giovanni’s name in glitter glue on the back. The next morning, when G came downstairs and saw his ornament hanging on the tree he kept pointing and shouting “Bood” (translation: Bird) and “Tee” (translation: Tree).

Along with all of the wonderful holiday memories we are making this year, there are 2 more that stand out in my mind. The other day Johnny and I took Giovanni out to breakfast at a little place on Hawthorne that we both enjoy. The name of the restaurant is the Saucer Cup. Giovanni had some blueberry coffee cake while Johnny and I enjoyed a garden scramble and a breakfast sandwich. After breakfast we decided to walk down Hawthorne and look at shops. It was the first sunny day in a long time and, although a bit chilly, the warm sun felt fantastic in contrast and we were all in a good mood. Giovanni wanted Johnny to hold him and I turned this into a game of tag with Johnny running ahead of us, Giovanni running after him and me running after Giovanni. When he would catch up to Johnny, Johnny would swoop him up and I would come running up from behind to tickle Giovanni while he laughed hysterically, G looked so cute with his little golden curls bouncing in the wind while Johnny ran with him. We took him to a toy shop called Kids At Heart where they had the most amazing selection of unique, quality children toys. Johnny bought Giovanni’s Christmas presents there (a little cloth bowling ball set and a wind up boat that goes in the water for bath time). We also got him a tiny cat figurine (background: G is OBSESSSED with cats, our cat Jazz, included). The whole ride home Giovanni carried the cat figurine in his hand, staring at it and saying “Cat” repeatedly. The next morning I had to laugh when, getting G out of his crib, I found the cat figurine in his bed, near his pillow. He must have taken it to bed with him for his nap the previous day.

Yesterday, at my work, they had the 29th annual Festival of Trees put on by Providence. I had to work but Johnny brought Giovanni (all snug in his brand new stroller-an early Christmas present from my dad) down to the event and Giovanni got to decorate his own cookie, visit with Santa (still not a fan-see last years holiday post) and visit the Teddy Bear hospital where they gave him a free teddy bear and bandaged up any boo boos it may have incurred in the process of shipping and handling. It was so great to take a small break from work and visit with my boys. Giovanni was tired but looked so comfy in his cushiony brown and green stroller complete with snack tray, cup holder and a warm blanket to snuggle into.

This holiday season has been so full of memories and adventures (and it’s not even Christmas yet). I am so thankful this year for the little things , like a child’s first ornament he picked himself, a new stroller so my baby travels in comfort, a cat figurine and family to share the love with. In the bigger picture, I am overjoyed with the feeling of new life growing inside of me. Every flutter and kick jumpstarts my heart and my imagination into daydreams about the feeling of snuggling, caring for and bonding with this soon to arrive new born bundle. I am so blessed to have a life overflowing with love. Even if some of the pages in the baby book go blank, or a month or two goes by without a blog entry. I carry each memory with me, in my heart. That way, no matter where I am in the world or what my circumstances, I will always have them close by to remind me of just how lucky I am.

Happy Holidays!

-New Mommy In Town

Oh happy Day! I am 3 months pregnant with our 2nd child. :)

As I watch my almost 2 year old son watching other kids at the park and striving to interact with siblings that he sees in the same way that he sees them interacting, the thought of our impending addition makes me so happy for him, for me, and for our little growing family as a whole. What has not been making me so happy is the toughness of this pregnancy thus far. I will openly admit that I underestimated how hard it would be to have a baby still in diapers and a huge increase in work hours while being pregnant. Besides being completely sleep deprived, feeling insanely nauseous, getting frequent headaches and heartburn and feeling wound up as tight as a steel drum, I am doing great. But it is the aforementioned feelings that have been getting to me. I find myself yearning for the days of my first pregnancy where I woke up at 9, ate some breakfast, took a nap until 1, watched some TV, read, took a walk, cleaned my house and had my feet up, relaxing before bed by 9pm. If I did have any nausea or discomfort with that pregnancy it is no wonder that I do not remember because I was too busy sleeping and relaxing all the time.

Well, so here I am, not feeling great, not able to drink much water, fairly stressed and even more stressed that I am not eating right, sleeping right or doing much of anything right for this baby. And through it all, the Portland rain has started with no end in sight, my son seems to have the energy of 10 two year olds and mommy is plain old exhausted. I pray that, when this baby finally arrives, they will quickly forget that they were forced to subsist on toast, pizza and saltines for 3 months because it was all mommy could stomach, or that they were deprived of much water for their first trimester because iced tea and diet Pepsi were all mommy could stand the thought of drinking. Even further, I hope they will have forgotten the endless stream of tums and the occasional coffee to keep me from falling asleep at work.

Baby, if you can hear this (or sense this rather), I apologize. I am truly trying my best no matter what all those mommy advice websites say about my actions. At this point, you are just a tiny, pea sized, alien looking being, but you are already so loved. Your beautiful 7 week sonogram picture is on our refrigerator, showing you resting comfortably. I have told your big brother that you are in my tummy and every day he pulls up my shirt and puts his hand on my belly to "visit" you. We are all eagerly awaiting your arrival. And don't fret little one, from everything I have heard, the nausea should let up here soon and mommy will be back to her perky, productive, healthy self! Lots of love from your dad, mom and your amazing big brother Giovanni. We love you and can barely wait the 6 long months until we get to meet you!

XOXO-Mommy

Having grown up being taken to church every Sunday and hearing person after person preach at me without seeing them living by the words they were speaking led me to turn away from the church for a very long time. I felt like my relationship with God was my business and I didn't want to be around people that would judge me or judge anyone for that matter. after all, it is not our place to judge others, it is our place to show the fruits of the spirit (love, patience, forgiveness, etc...) and to leave any judging up to God.

Well, after many years of not going to church, after i had my son i felt a real pull to not only find a community of believers where I could be myself, make friends and worship as i wished to, but also to find a place where my son would be raised among religious beliefs that matched my own. One Sunday morning, at my mother's urging, i took a chance and typed a search into Google for churches near my house that offered childcare. I found one nearby and I liked the name of the church so I took a chance and went. What I found there blew me away. In honor of the 4th of July, this church was having their service outside, followed by a children's bike parade and a potluck. I dropped my son off at the daycare where a group of children his age gathered around him showing him toys and greeting him with their sweet toddler giggles and smiles. The sermon was amazing as the preacher spoke of giving without an audience and doing things for god rather than calling attention to ourselves. The pastor was funny, lighthearted and down to earth. I felt an immediate connection and application between what he was saying and what i had always believed. the sermon closed with everyone being invited to bow their heads and, if they wished, to say out loud a prayer for our government and our leaders. Tears streamed down my face as i heard person after person approach the troubles of our world and the conflicts we face from a place of love and prayer rather than from a place of fear or anger. After the service I stayed for the potluck and i witnessed an outpouring of offerings from the congregation that resulted in a beautiful children's parade and a delicious lunch. I sat and spoke with two elderly women, one that had been attending this church since the 50's except for a 10 year period when she lived in Africa as a missionary. The other, it turned out, had lived in my hometown for 5 years where her and her husband had started a church. The women asked me what church I had gone to before this one and i openly admitted that I had not gone to church for a very long time and was honest about my reasons why. they simply nodded their heads as I spoke and then expressed their happiness for having my presence at their church this day and told me they looked forward to seeing me again next Sunday. As I left, i felt hungry to come back and feel that sense of acceptance and closeness to God from people that were living what they spoke about.

the next Sunday, after having a grueling week filled with work, household chores, countless arguments with my husband, conflict with my stepson and a grumpy teething baby on my hands, I returned to church by myself feeling sad, defeated, stressed to the max. On my way to church, i was praying that God would change my household's hearts so that we could work as a cohesive unit. That day, a guest pastor recited the Lord's Prayer and then went through, line by line, looking deeper into the meaning of each verse. He spoke of the fact that,if we are praying for someone or something, we need to be prepared to be the answer to that prayer. When he recited the line about giving us this day our daily bread he went on to say that, when god was in the desert, the devil knew he was hungry and came to him to tempt him saying, "Aren't you the saviour that can turn rock into bread? if you are hungry, why don't you do that?" He spoke of how god refused to give into the devil because he was full of the word of God and that, if we are to resist the devil trying to tempt us by taking advantage of what we are hungry for (love, money, success) we need to be full of the word of god (our daily bread) so that we will not be tempted by our hunger. He spoke about our hearts being like a cup and that, if our cups are full of anger, resentment or sadness that we are holding onto, we have no room for the love and light of God's presence so we must take our cups and pour our hearts out to God. It turns out the man that was speaking has been a member of this church for several years and, 5 years ago he moved himself, his wife and his 4 children to China where they live as Missionaries, in the last 5 years, they have started a rehabilitation center, a garden and a ministry where they invite strangers (or angels as he called them) into their home to fellowship. the mans wife showed a slide show of their life in china and you could see how them living through the spirit has blessed their family and their lives.

I left the service that day feeling renewed. I had cried out to god (silently of course) throughout the service and my heart felt renewed, empty and full of space for the word of God to fill me and work through me). When I got home I had a long talk with my husband and then with our stepson where we laid out ground rules for how we would treat each other and our home. We agreed that once a week, each of us would choose an activity that the whole family could enjoy together. My husband and my stepson agreed to go to church with me twice a week and my stepson enrolled in a weekly youth group.

Of course this is fairly new to us and i do feel that i and my family will continue to grow and blossom with the help of the lord but already, i can feel a difference in how we are interacting with each other, how we speak to each other and even in my own reactions to things that occur. My husband, who has a fairly new side business recently found out that, due to something he had had installed on his brand new car by a "friend" damages had been caused to his car and it was going to cost him $1200 out of pocket to repair. In the past my husband would have been really upset by something like this and may have taken it out on people that had nothing to do with it. So, imagine my surprise and delight when my husband stayed calm and even praised Jesus on the ride home that, due to his side business which this "friend" had helped him start he had enough money to pay for the car repairs without having to dip into savings. When I heard him give thanks to god, even under circumstances that were not ideal I knew that my prayers were working and i know that, if we continue to walk on this path, displaying the fruits of the spirit and putting our trust in god, we will surely be blessed.

Looking forward to the future!

-New mommy in Town

Letter To My Son 6.26.2011 (18 months)

To my beautiful boy,

Last night as I was trying to get to sleep I kept finding images and thoughts of you entering my mind and filling me with happiness. The sense of joy, wonder and well being that you bring to me is indescribable. When I wake up in the morning my first thought is of you. I wonder if you are up and, if you're not I wonder how long until you wake up and I can hang out with you. When I hear your happy sounds fill the air I go into your room and find you standing in your crib, smiling and reaching your arms out to me. I pick you up and you rest your head on my shoulder. You have started giving the most amazing hugs. You wrap your arms tightly around my neck and we sway gently together, me rubbing your back, holding you close and savoring every moment. When we are in the store or at the park there will be times when I lean in close to you to tell you I love you or to tie your shoe and you will reach out your arms, pull my face close to yours and rest your forehead on mine. I am so in awe of you and so delighted in your every giggle, new expression and exclamation. Today, I left the refrigerator door open while grabbing some items from the pantry and, when I looked over at you, I discovered that you had taken out a carton of eggs and were happily smashing each one on the floor and rubbing your hands in it. You are the master of being very quiet while being up to no good and it is a good lesson to me to always be on the lookout! You LOVE getting your hands dirty, playing outside and shrieking at the top of your lungs when something exciting catches your eye. You love birds and are not afraid to show it. The other day, when we pulled up to the park and I took your seat belt off and let you out, you ran squealing across the grass with your finger pointed at the sky looking at a group of birds that were flying away. You are generally sweet with other kids but you are starting to test your limits with others and will sometimes pull or push another child on the playground and will then quickly look around to see if mama has noticed (which she usually has!). You love to clap your hands, love to laugh and love to have others looking at you. If you notice that you have an audience you will give a mischievous grin and show off some of your unique dance moves (these moves usually consist of you turning yourself in a small circle before falling down and beaming your big bright smile). Everyone loves your smile and your beautiful dimples. Trips to the store, the park or the mall never fail to draw comments on how cute you are and these comments certainly don't go unnoticed by you as you beam and coo at each and every admirer. You have such a bright happy spirit and I pray you never lose that magnetic light that makes me so proud to be your mama. You were born with the sweet strong spirit of a leader and I would love nothing more than to watch you cultivate that so that others that are having trouble finding their way might use your light to guide them. One of your favorite activities is being read to and you will often bring me one of your favorite books (favorites include the Jolly Barnyard and Baby Bear Baby Bear What Do you See) you will then curl up next to me while I read each book to you a couple times through.

Raising a child is definitely work but the joy I get from being with you hardly feels like work to me and when I am away from you my heart aches to be with you and to feel the peace and happiness that I only know when I am with you. I love the bond that we share. You are everything to me. I have never known a love like this and did not even know that I was capable of such deep, unconditional love. Thank you for being in my life and for always aspiring me to want to reach further, do better and be more...for you.

With the greatest love always,

Your mama :)

Letter To My Son 04/14/2011

I hope that someday I am able to relay to you accurately just how much joy you have brought into my life. Before you arrived I tended to get so frustrated over things that didn't matter. I tried to control every situation and would give into the quite childlike behavior of throwing an adult sized tantrum when things didn't go the way I had planned. Ever since you came into my life, you open my eyes every day to something new and teach me something I didn't know I was capable of learning. I know that you will not remember these days, or perhaps, if you do, you will remember only small things here and there, but I will always treasure every minute of them. The greatest part of my day, every day is getting you ready for bed and rocking you to sleep. We sit in the dark and you lean your head back against me. I rock you gently and sing to you while you alternate between drinking your bottle and savoring your Binky. I know that you are asleep when you begin to snore lightly and your bottle (and sometimes the Binky too) drop to the floor and you don't try to retrieve them. Once you are asleep I lay you softly in your crib, tuck your teddy bear into your arms, cover you and tiptoe out of the room. In the morning when you wake up, you usually just play quietly in your crib until I hear you and, when I come into your room, you jump up, reach your arms as far as you can over the side of the crib and smile at me, all ready to get up and play. I love that your room is so uniquely yours, with soft teddy bears, crayons and coloring books, your dresser, your cherry wood changing table, your toy chest, and of course your comfy crib.

In addition to all that you have taught and are teaching me, my favorite lesson so far is learning the importance of slowing down. I want to savor every moment with you, because we shall not pass this way again...sometimes I will be cleaning or rushing to get something done, and you will grab onto my leg, look up at me and smile and suddenly I forget all about what I was doing and just sit with you and hold you or play with your toys with you. You are so affectionate and sweet and smart, too smart sometimes! I took you into the Sees candy store in the mall with me about a month ago and gave you a small piece of chocolate. Yesterday we passed by the Sees store and you started pointing at the store window, straining to get out of your stroller and generally freaking out, wanting some more chocolate. Trying to appease you, I gave you a flier with pictures of chocolate on it which you happily grabbed from me- and tried to eat! I love your funny, knowing little looks and your quirky sense of humor. When we tell you not to touch or play with things you generally obey. For example-you are fabulous about not going up or down the stairs by yourself, we never even had to get a baby gate! But there are definitely times that you test to see how far you can get with good old mom and dad. We have never let you touch or play with the cat food so of course, you are dying to touch and play with it. You will get as close to the cat food as you can and, when we see you and tell you no, you will veer off in the other direction as though it were never your intention to get into the forbidden food. You crack me up.

Recently you have started this little game with me where I sit on the stairs and you sit on the stair behind me and lay back. I then lean up against you and you start cracking up and then give me a hug and a kiss. I highly doubt you will ever remember doing this but I will never forget it. :) I have had years of exciting, memory making experiences in my life, in different places with all kinds of friends and family but this small game we play and the field trips we take to local places like the Zoo, OMSI the Children's farm or even just the grocery store, are by far, the most fun, fulfilling things I have ever experienced.

I cannot believe that 16 months has gone so fast. You are growing up before my very eyes and I absolutely adore the person you are growing into. I am so completely, hopelessly in love with you and I thank God every day for giving me the gift of being your mom.

Giovanni's Mommy!

Everything I thought I knew

It dawned on me today that throughout our whole lives we are learning, growing into and striving to be this idea that we have of ourselves. This idea of ourselves is formed through experiences, thoughts, feelings, family ties, school, society. etc.. Then, in an instant that idea of ourselves and our reality can suddenly change and we have no choice but to adapt to a completely new reality. I think for some people having children, getting married, reaching their career goals, etc..is a life long goal. For others, finding their soul mate, having children, finding a career they are passionate about is unplanned. For both groups however, the actual attainment of these life changes, and the realities these changes embrace, can come as a complete surprise and therefore present one with an entirely different concept of themselves then they ever imagined.

I, for one, am a case study of an individual that never thought (or even desired) to get married or have children. While dating, my husband and I originally discussed marriage as a means to ensure that I would be covered by his health benefits (terribly romantic I know). Once we were engaged, I certainly never thought that children would come into the picture anytime soon (if ever). But lo and behold. fate had other ideas and, three months prior to our wedding date, I was pregnant..

...The journey of motherhood has been, thus far, an exhausting, exhilarating, terrifying and beyond words joyful experience for me. There is no feeling that can compare to that of holding my son close, watching him learn to walk, try to run, begin to form words, and just being given the great gift of being his mother. However, with all of the life enhancing ups and downs of motherhood, there has been an almost complete departure from the person I thought I was before I had my son. Gone are the days of endless nights spent with friends and lazy weekends spent sleeping in, dining out, and generally doing as I pleased. My career path that saw me frequently working 50 hours a week and volunteering myself for night and weekend shifts has been traded in for a new career path where I will not take any job that has me away from the house for more than 25 hours a week. My grand plan to put my son in childcare and return to full time work a month after his birth has given way to my husband, my father and I splitting up shifts so that my son (now 16 months) is always in the care of a family member that loves him. My house, once spotless and decorated in a simple, elegant way, is now strewn with brightly colored, noise making toys. Dining out with my husband at nice restaurants a few times a week has been replaced by home meals and quick outings to any family restaurant that will supply crayons and a coloring book and doesn't mind the occasional flinging of food or ice cubes. My bookshelf, once filled with poetry and small business books, has been taken over by Dr. Seuss and Curious George. Even my bathtub has been taken over with bath toys, baby washcloths and baby shampoo.

There is not one corner of my house, my heart or my life that is strictly mine anymore. Giovanni has moved in, set up camp and taken up permanent residence. My definition of myself, my new self, is evolving daily and, although I had 30 years of evolving into the self I thought I was, I don't miss that former me at all. In fact, I can barely even remember the person I thought I was. While this new self is nowhere near where I thought I would be at this point in my life, I know for certain that there is nowhere else I would rather be.

The Best Part Of My Day

I have been reading some other mom blogs and wondering where these moms find the time to write so much (and to make their content so witty at that). I dream about someday having a full time nanny (or perhaps a lunch break) and being able to spend at least an hour or two a day writing new blogs, getting sponsors, following blogs, commenting on blogs and becoming a blog master within a big, blogging universe. Sigh. But, until then, I will continue to grab my daily (or sometimes weekly) 20 minutes here and there of blogging time that I am able to squeeze in between the gym and making dinner.

Well, since this is officially some of that time, let me get started :)

My son has started a new ritual with me that I adore. We stopped letting him take his late afternoon nap and he now just takes one, early afternoon nap a day. We found that this helps him go to bed early and sleep through the night. It used to be that I would rock him with a small lamp on before bed. He would sit facing the room and it was always a struggle to keep him on my lap as he would wiggle and try to get free. You know, to go do more entertaining things like banging on the wall, rolling around the room, holding his bottle upside down and shaking milk on the carpet, those kinds of things. Well, one night, about two weeks ago. I decided to rock him without the lamp on. As we sat in the pitch black room, he started wiggling and I picked him up to place him on the floor but instead he turned and placed his head on my shoulder where he soon feel into a deep sleep while I rubbed his back. Since then, this has been the ritual every night.

I must say that putting him to bed, although I always found it enjoyable, is now, hands down, my absolute favorite part of my day. Some nights, while laying his head against my shoulder, he simultaneously curls his fingers in my hair or moves his hand in a patting motion on my shoulder. Other nights, he falls asleep quickly and I sit and delight at his soft sighs and snores. Every night, I sit there, long after he has fallen asleep, just rocking him, rubbing is back, feeling the essence of him, which is all laughter and love and innocence and savoring the moment. I know that these days will go fast, too fast (they already are racing by) and I am pretty certain that, no matter how persuasive I may be, there will be no way that he will allow me to sit and rock him to sleep in my arms once he is a teenager or young adult.

So, for now, and for as long as he will let me, I will take all the time that I can to cuddle him, snuggle him and rock him to sleep in my arms. That way, even though these moments will not last forever, the memories of them certainly will.

Sweet Dreams My Son

-New Mommy In Town

Tis the Season to be Thankful...Fa la la la la...

“I met in the street a very poor young man who was in love. His hat was old, his coat worn, his cloak was out at the elbows, the water passed through his shoes, - and the stars through his soul.” -Victor Hugo

"To see the world in a grain of sand, and to see heaven in a wild flower, hold infinity in the palm of your hands, and eternity in an hour" -William Blake

I get updates of news headlines on my phone each morning and I can't help but notice a sad trend. All of the updates are shocking, sad, dismal or downright depressing. The economy is crashing, those in power are secretive and corrupt, babies having babies, epidemics, sickness…the list goes on and on. As I sat in my son's room and rocked him to sleep the other night, feeling his soft breath against my neck as he nuzzled in close, and feeling the usual warm, rush of love and thankfulness that fills me when I am sharing quality time with him, I wondered why there are no headlines that glaringly announce to us the good things in life. Personally, I would much rather receive updates notifying me that yet another person pitched in to help paint a school, helped an elderly person across the street or donated a kidney to a family member in need rather than hear only about the negative.

Well, as the holiday season approaches (and in the spirit of being the change I wish to see in the world) I want to take a few moments to recognize some of the heroic people and magnificent things in my life that I am grateful for. These people and things may not ever get to share top billing with a shocking story on the front page of a newspaper, but they are groundbreaking, life changing parts of my existence and just as momentous to me as any news story may be to the rest of the world. If I have little in the way of material possessions and yet am so blessed and my life so enriched, then I know that there must be many like me, who, though they might never have their story shared with the world, will leave the world a better place than they found it just by being here and being happy and kind. So, this holiday season, here are is a short list that highlights a few of the many things I am grateful for:

I am grateful that my father lives close to me and that we are able to create many wonderful memories and share much laughter together. I am grateful that my 93 year old grandfather is alive and well. I am grateful that my extended family consisting of my mother, aunts, uncles, grandmother, and numerous cousins are healthy, happy and thriving on their respective life paths I am grateful that my family members and friends that are having a hard time have a wealth of family and love surrounding them to help them through. I am eternally grateful for the love and dedication of many close friends that, regardless of years and miles have held me close to their hearts and held me up in their prayers to help light my way when I feel lost and to share in my most joyful of times. I am grateful for the love of my husband who knows me through and through, accepts my faults, celebrates my accomplishments and grieves my losses as I do his. I am grateful for a roof over my head and a heater that works well in the Winter, two able hands that can work and two functioning legs that can take me there. I am grateful for a stable (mostly clear headed) mind that lets me look beyond whatever trials are occurring momentarily and allows me to focus on what is possible for the future. I am beyond grateful for the gift of my son who is happy, healthy and thriving and who makes every day feel like a day for celebration.

Making this list just confirms to me that all the little daily things that I may sometimes take for granted are the things that, when looked at collectively, are truly what life is made up of, and that without, I would not be who I am and would certainly not have the richness of spirit and quality of life that I have enjoyed thus far. And for me, that is headline news any day :)


Gratefully Yours,

-New Mommy in Town

To Santa or Not to Santa...That is the question!

A couple days ago we took our 1 year old son to the mall to see Santa. this being our first Santa outing (well, since my husband and I were young of course) we were not sure what to expect, and, to make things even more exciting, we went to see Santa wholly unprepared for any sort of emergency such as desperate snack needs, the re-emergence of a horrible diaper rash or preparation for the realities of waiting in an hour and a half long line while wearing 3 inch heels. The night started out on a hopeful note. I straightened my hair, put on a nice dress, did my makeup, put on a nice pair of earrings and even brought along a festive Santa hat to wear in, what I imagined would be, our perfect family photo with Santa. I dressed our son up in a cute little pin stripe suit with a crisp white shirt underneath, packed the diaper bag and "walla" we were ready to go. Once we got in the car, it dawned on me that maybe things would not go quite as smoothly as planned. In our rush to get to the mall before the crowds, I realized that we had not packed any snacks and Giovanni had not eaten in a couple hours. "Oh well, I thought, just a quick trip in, snap of the camera and we're out of there. How hungry could he possibly get between now and then?" Next, my husband informed me that we did not have a camera to actually take a picture but assured me that everything was OK and that he had his phone on him and we could take a picture with that. When we arrived at the mall, even though we had gotten there "early", there was a long line that consisted mainly of grumpy, underdressed patrons with several dogs barking at one another and pulling at their leashes while their weary owners cast sympathetic looks at each other. My husband, who hates crowds, began to get fidgety, Giovanni quickly followed suit. I offered to stand in line while they played on the playground. As they walked away I wished that I had not worn heels, or a dress, I wished that I had worn sweats. Still, I stood in line with the stroller, a huge umbrella (this being Portland, it was of course, pouring) three jackets (mine, my husbands and the baby's), my purse and the diaper bag. As I made my way through the line I maneuvered carefully to keep from toppling the stroller, spilling the contents of my purse, or impaling any small children with our dangerously large and pointy umbrella. When I got near the front of the line, I texted my husband and he arrived back just in the nick of time (no pun intended). Giovanni's suit was wrinkled, his shirt hanging untucked out of his pants and his hair was a mess. He also seemed more than ready to leave the mall. My husband took a test snapshot with his phone to find out the camera on his phone was not working. He began to shake and turn a little red. I offered to let the people behind us in line go ahead of us so that we could figure out the phone. I tucked G's shirt in, we got the phone working, OK...our turn...here we go. We walked up to Santa, he held his arms out to the baby, sat him on his lap and then...Giovanni lost his mind. The second he sat on Santa's lap, Giovanni's face turned bright red and he began squirming and screaming at the top of his lungs, tears rolling down his face. My husband snapped a picture (see sidebar) G kept screaming. I put on my Santa hat and stood next to him, G looked at me and screamed louder. My husband took another picture, I grabbed the baby and we left. Now, at this point, any sane parent would have quickly exited the mall but me, being the fearless (or perhaps clueless) individual that I am, decided that we should take one more family picture in front of a large tree before we left. Johnny tried to take one of me and Giovanni first. I put on my Santa hat and stood in front of the tree with our son. Giovanni arched his back and screamed like I had tried to rip off one of his toes. People were looking at us strangely. My husband suggested we grab something to eat and then try the picture thing again. We headed over to the food court and got G some grilled chicken and milk with a straw. In trying to feed him the chicken and use the straw to pour sips of milk into his mouth, we got milk and chicken juice all over his face, his suit, ourselves. Immediately after his hearty dinner of chicken and milk, G needed a diaper change and I took him onto the cramped, fluorescent lit changing room to find that an earlier diaper rash had re-emerged. He howled as I changed him, I bumped into the door, the table and most of all, I felt sweaty and like I might begin howling and crying myself. When I brought him out I can't even imagine what the two of us must have looked like, he with his tired, bleary eyes, stained, wrinkled suit and sad expression and me, red from sweating, hair beginning to frizz and limping in my high heels that had never been meant for standing for extended periods of time. I limped over to my husband and suggested we leave (after, of course, trying to get one final shot in front of the tree-Don't even ask me what I was thinking). We went over the to the tree and I snapped the final shot pictured above which I feel sums up the feel of the evening fairly well. So, the moral of the story is this. If you feel that perhaps your very young child might be frightened or daunted by the prospect of waiting in a large line only to be met at the end by the sight of a large, strange man in a big red suit with a huge beard then, by all means, proceed at your own risk. Hey, its not all bad, your child could love Santa or, you could get hilarious pictures of your child looking either happy, nervous, bewildered, or of them screaming their head off while Santa struggles to maintain a smile. But please, whatever you do, if this article has taught you anything, be sure to bring an actual camera, dress comfortably, be prepared for a long line and surly patrons and, for the love of all things holiday...BRING SOME SNACKS!!! To all a Good Night! -New Mommy in Town

A Blast from the Past...But Can it Last??

I met my first love when I was 14 years old. I was crazy about him from the minute I met him. Over the next five years...through high school and a little bit into college, our love would grow into something more serious than i believe most young kids experience. For one thing, I went to a continuation school the last year of high school. and my father, being especially lax about such things (or maybe just not having a clue as to how to handle such a free spirited, strong willed firecracker of a daughter) let me make the hour long train ride into Berkeley (where my sweetheart lived) approximately once a week. Once there I would stay for a few days at a time (until I had to return back to school) and my love and I would spend endless hours which turned into endless days listening to music, watching movies, hiking around the Berkeley hills, eating, giggling, exploring the city, passionately arguing and passionately making up. Being the strangely enlightened teenagers we were (he much much more than I) we saw a counselor a couple times a month for couples counseling, faithfully used birth control and visited the University campus and botanical gardens frequently for sightseeing and make out sessions. I had never known anyone like Jon. His parents were two very intelligent university professors and Jon was a well traveled vegan that spoke more than one language, listened to progressive music, meditated and was an amazing artist. In addition, he was sweet, kind, gentle, funny and I was head over heels in love with him. After high school, Jon went to Europe for 6 months and things began to fall apart. He met someone for a short time and I began meeting other people too. When he came back to the states he moved to Santa Cruz and I followed. He was enrolled in University of Santa Cruz and I was enrolled at a community college. We kept our relationship going for a time, but by then our feelings were muddled by so much time apart and confusion as to where we stood. After a year or two I met someone that would be a long term relationship (4 years) for me. I called Jon over to my house and ended things between us for good. he cried, I cried. we listened to Lauryn Hiill's "Keep It Tight" while he held me close and I breathed in his scent, thought about all our memories together and wondered if I was making a mistake. At the time, it seemed this was the right thing to do, and in hindsight, although the relationship I moved onto didn't last, and didn't end well either, I wonder if Jon and I would have fared better if we had stayed together, or if we would have ended up resenting each other or hurting each other by not sharing the same feelings or by meeting other people and moving onto other serious relationships eventually. Either way, it was the end of an era for sure.

Today, I am married and I have a beautiful son. Although it is not always sweet words and tender feelings and there are, to be honest, some things about my husband I downright do not like, there is much love and a long history between us. Plus, the addition of family, children and going through real life hurdles together, does make you stronger and add to your feelings of devotion for your spouse.

This being said, I was going through an old box of stuff today and came across a small stack of letters that Jon had written to me while he was in Europe. Reading through them brought back a lot of nostalgia. In his letters, his love and devotion to me are clear and his words are full of the strong, hormone fueled feelings that only teenage love can produce. He speaks of us being soulmates and therefore loving each other enough to feel that we are connected at the soul. He talks about me being amazing, strong, and in some ways, fragile. He speaks of our love being intense, potent and the best feeling in the world. Reading through these letters made me feel good that someone had held such intensely wonderful feelings for me but it also made me sad that real life does at some point have to intervene. I got to thinking, why is it that feelings that intense can't be maintained for a lifetime? I mean, I believe that, to some extent they can. When my husband is not around me for a length of time, I miss him terribly, but at the same time, I have responsibilities and bills to pay and distractions and I cannot just lay in bed and mope all day thinking about how much I miss him. I asked my dad if he thought that the feelings of first teenage love can last and he replied, "I don't think so, I mean, people that have been together 60 years, you don't see them just sitting in each others laps and kissing and staring at each other all the time, the guy is usually just sitting on the couch watching TV and the woman is doing whatever she is doing."

I think I realized right then why a first love is so special and why it is rare, maybe even downright impossible, to ever capture that exact feeling again. When you are young and unencumbered, the only thing you have to focus on in the whole world is each other. You don't have bills to pay or a mortgage to worry about or kids diapers to change or teenagers eating everything in the whole house or an old cat pooping on the floor...again. The only scheduled time that is required is school time or time to see each other. When you are fighting it is because he looked at another girl too long, not because you overspent on your credit cards and don't know if you can pay your rent. So here is what I realized. No, love may never produce those same feelings without a boatload of hormones running through you, but maybe it can be even better (and much more real than that). Maybe the feeling you get when you look back on your life and you have a gaggle of well rounded children and grandchildren, extended family, friends, neighbors and acquaintances that care equally about the well being of both you and your spouse and you have built a whole LIFE together with hard work and have worked equally hard at keeping your love alive, maybe THOSE are the ties that truly bind you together in a love built of not only passion but mutual respect, admiration and devotion to one another. And hey, that sounds pretty damn life altering, amazing, potent, and intense to me.

I am so glad to have known Jon and I will never forget our experiences together. We are friends to this day and I have nothing but love in my heart for him, for what and who he was, what we had, what and who he is and who he will become. He is amazingly talented and a beautiful person. Our experiences taught me so much and were invaluable at helping to shape me into the person I am today. We don't talk as often as I would like but I hope, more than anything that he is happy and that I made as big of an impact on his life as he made on mine. I hope that one day, I can dance at his wedding, meet his children and, when we are old, that maybe we will one day find ourselves sitting in rockers with our respective loves and family and can look back at our lives, look at each other and agree...that we sure did good :)

Much love to you and all whom you love, have loved and will love!

-New Mommy in Town

Misty, Water Colored Memories...

The days are going by so quickly and my little boy is growing up before my eyes. I am trying to capture every moment I have to sing to him, sit with him, rock him, play with him or just plain be with him. There are so many precious, picture perfect memories of him already that I carry with me throughout my day. The feel of his soft skin against mine as I take him out of the bathtub and wrap him in a big, soft, fuzzy towel. The mischievous twinkle in his eyes as he smiles up at me in the morning. The way he arches his back and turns to look up at me with his soulful, trusting eyes when I am rocking him. At his 4 month checkup a couple weeks ago, they announced that my boy is now 15 lbs and 23 inches long. This just drove home to me how fast he is growing and that soon, he will be a rough and tumble toddler and then a little boy and soon a man. I am amazed every day at the life that we have created and at how insanely lucky I am to be a part of witnessing and directing that life. I am also amazed at my capacity to love and how much better of a person being a mother has made me. My heart has been stretched to new limits and no matter how tired or frustrated or plain worn out I am, when I hold my child or I see his beautiful smile, I can't help but feel myself begin to smile and my heart begin to melt.

Our boy is beginning to play with his toys (and by "playing" I mean grabbing them and stuffing them into his mouth). He is beginning to roll over, laugh, stick his fingers, bib, blanket, in his mouth, "talk" to us by emitting long, low pitched groans, hiccups and coughs. He smiles all the time, loves to play and is the center of his mommy and daddy's universe. We are starting him on Rice cereal this week and soon he will be eating solids. He is beginning to be able to sit up on his own and he holds his head up perfectly. Last week we went to JC Penney and had portraits done of Giovanni and his stepbrother Anthony who was here visiting for a week. It did this mommy's heart good to see my "boys" playing, laughing and loving each other. Giovanni LOVED his half brother (Anthony lives in Southern California and had not yet met Giovanni) and was smiling anytime he was near, Anthony was gentle and loving with the baby and was a HUGE help to me during his visit.

Coming up in April Giovanni and I will be going on his first plane ride to California to visit his Great grandma, great grandpa, cousins, aunties, uncles and Grandma Cynthie. We are creating memories that I will remember forever and I am so grateful for this time. While I do wish once in a while that I could slow time and keep him small and snuggly for a bit longer, I am glad that I am taking the time to enjoy all that is happening and I am breathlessly awaiting the next milestone discovery or achievement in his life.

With wonder and awe I watch my little one grow! Nothing can compare to being Giovanni's Mommy! :)

-New Mommy in Town

TIRED

Last night was one of those nights :(

The baby went to bed at 7:30pm (it was either let him sleep or let him scream in my ear until 9, I chose to let him sleep)

I went to bed at 11 (so tired but couldn't sleep)

The baby woke up at 2am, by then he had slept 6 and a half hours (hooray for him)

Fed the baby, put the baby back to bed, I went back to bed (couldn't fall asleep until 4, maybe I'm an insomniac)

The baby woke up at 5 (I almost cried)

I comforted the baby and went back to bed

the baby went back to sleep until 6

I got up with the baby

The baby stayed awake until I went to work at 8

I came home at 4, the baby was crying. Took him upstairs to comfort him, he threw up on me twice. went to give him a bath, he peed on me on the way to the tub. sat down and fed him, he started fussing, swaddled him, he fussed. Laid him down, he began losing it. rocked him, sang to him, swayed him, whispered to him, he cried and cried. Put him in his swinging chair. Silence. for five minutes. He dirtied his diaper and began crying again. So so tired.

And the funniest part is that I have gone weeks like this and I have not given up, or passed out, or had to check myself into some sort of psychiatric facility for exhaustion. Impressive.

Have I ever been this tired? Dead tired? Sooooooooo soooooooo tired? I mean really tired?

Oh my.

One of those days that makes me realize, that I am so much stronger than I ever realized.

-New "tired" Mommy in Town




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To Sleep or Not To Sleep...

My son is now 3 months old. About a week before his 3 month birthday, I decided that co-sleeping was no longer an option, not only did my son seem uncomfortable as he grunted, gasped and kicked my husband and I all night, desperately trying to free himself from the positioning wedge we had him propped up on (acid reflux be damned) but two and a half months of getting an average of three hours of sleep (and not consecutive hours either mind you) was turning me into a complete wreck I couldn't think straight during the day, was losing patience with both my son and my husband and falling behind at work.

I spoke with my husband and then looked up sleep methods for training infants to sleep in their cribs. I decided to try the Ferber method. The Ferber method advises parents to pick a time when they are not desperate for sleep and to begin putting their child in his or her own bed in increasing 5 minute increments. For example, the first night you would put your child down in their own bed and leave the room. If they cry, you wait five minutes before going in, comforting them, putting them back down and leaving the room again. If they cry again, you wait 10 minutes before going in, comforting them and getting them back down. You max out the time that you will let them cry at 15 minutes. The next night, you increase the length between visits in 5 minute increments (i.e. let them cry for 10 minutes, then 15, maxing out at 20).

The first night, the baby cried each time we left him. After an hour and a half of crying/comforting and crying again, the baby fell asleep on his own and slept five hours straight. The next night he cried intensely for 15 minutes before falling asleep, again for five hours. This night was the hardest because of the intensity of the crying. It does break any parents heart to hear their child crying, but my husband and I were determined that not only would sleeping in his own bed be best for the baby as he would be more comfortable and there would be less safety risks, but it would benefit us as well as I would be more rested, have more patience and would avoid losing my job due to mistakes caused by lack of sleep. By the third night, the baby did not cry when we put him in his crib and he again slept a full five hours. After he would sleep five hours I would change him, feed him, and rock him until he became sleepy before putting him back down again. I began noticing that he was happier during the day, was getting on more of a schedule and seemed well rested in the mornings. He also began taking his afternoon naps in his crib without fussing. After a week of sleeping from 9pm-3.am each night, he slept a full 8 hours. Heaven!My husband and I have our bed back again and I am no longer cranky, tired and absentminded all day from lack of sleep.

In my opinion, when a parent is ready and anxiety free enough to train their child to sleep in their own bed, I don't know why any parent wouldn't use this method. However, in reading blogs pertaining to this practice, it seems that there is a large percentage of parents that feel this method is cruel, scarring and traumatic to children. When I see my child's bright eyes and happy smile in the morning and see that he has had a comfortable nights sleep, I can't imagine how he is scarred by sleeping in his own bed. I also don't think he will remember a total of maybe two hours of crying as a baby for the rest of his life. I have talked to parents of two and three year old children that say they wish they had tried something like this earlier and complain that their toddlers are still sleeping in their parents bed and not sleeping through the night.

Obviously, it is every parents decision how and when they decide to try and get their children to sleep in their own beds but this route worked for us and has been a real blessing. Baby, mommy and daddy are reaping the benefits of of sleep filled nights and all are thriving because of it. Whatever it is that you choose to do, I wish every new mom lots of sleep, however you manage to get it. Happy mommies create happy babies!

Good Luck and Good Night

-New Mommy in Town

The Bjorn identity

Mothers. We come in all shapes and sizes, all different ethnicity's from all walks of life. Why then is it so easy for moms to be duped into thinking that we have to fall into the perfectly manicured, cookie cutter, Leave it to Beaver image of moms that is constantly being fed to us by the media, acquaintances or worst of all, our own inner "mean girl"?

The other day found my husband and I walking through a beautiful park, bathed in sunshine. You could not have asked for a more beautiful setting. The park included breathtaking redwoods, weeping willows and maple trees lining the banks of several small, mirror smooth ponds. I should have been ecstatic to be walking on my own two legs through such beauty with the man I love and our healthy, happy, beautiful baby boy. I should have not had a care in the world. Yet as we wandered, i couldn't help but compare myself to other moms and dads that I saw walking by. I saw two moms that were walking with their perfectly symmetrical baby Bjorn's strapped to their perfectly shaped bodies and I wondered why, when I strap my baby Bjorn on, it always seems to be at a bit of an angle, or the baby always seems to be hanging a little low. Why were their babies not fussing or spitting up on them. And how, in the world, did they manage to lose that baby weight so fast. couple after couple seemed to stroll by with their bright white smiles and their designer strollers, making me ever more aware of my tangled hair, tired eyes and second hand stroller. I thought about a woman i had met a few weeks before who told me that her son had had 100 people at his first birthday. I wondered if my son would be scarred for life by the fact that he might only have 10 attendees, or even worse just mom and dad and a homemade cake.

After we had returned home, I took some time to reflect on the things I had noticed and to weigh my insecurities against reality. Will my son grow up to be a horrible person because his Baby Bjorn hung slightly low and to the left? Will he look back on his second hand stroller with disgust and want nothing to do with me? Will he hate the thought of celebrating another birthday ever again because of the lack of attendance at his first. ummmmm...probably not. And even the fact that I was giving any breathing room to these silly thoughts and made up ideals was ridiculous. Who started the myth that we as mothers have to be perfect all the time, that without designer things, we're not just as good a mom as the next mom?

I have never been perfect, nor will I ever be perfect, nor do I believe that anyone or anything is perfect. So I will do my best and continue on with tired eyes and the occasional mop of unbrushed hair, I will stop comparing what I don't have and instead be grateful for what I do have. I will teach my son that it is what is on the inside, not the outside that is most important. I will do my best to teach him to be a good, wise, strong person and hope that it catches on. And, someday, should he ever pass someone in a park, holding a perfectly aligned Baby Bjorn, with perfectly white teeth, manicured nails, impeccable hair and an amazing "no one can tell that I just had a baby" body and stop to ask, "is that how you looked when I was little mommy?" I will tell him no. I will tell him that sometimes mommy was tired, or forgot to brush her hair, or walked out of the house without a stitch of makeup on, but that I never forgot what was really important: his happiness, his safety, his health. And when i tell him this, I won't feel even the least bit guilty about it :)

To imperfect mothers, everywhere

-New Mommy in Town

Giovanni Elijah Cabrera- The cutest baby on the block- and maybe in the whole world!

Of course I may be just a teensy bit biased!





Giovammi Elijah Cabrera- Est. 11/16/2009

Every day
Something new
A laugh, a smile
a lingering gaze.
You are growing so fast
and I am so amazed and honored
that I am able to bear witness
to the magic
that is your life!

-Giovanni's Mommy

Things Remembered

A small list of things that I don't want to forget about my baby boy-

• The way my baby smiles when I am taking esp good care of him or the way he smiles back at me when I smile at him.


• The way he looks with eyes full of wonder at new things/people


• His smell


• The warmth of his body when he's lying next to me or snuggling close


• His tiny feet and hands


• His big, beautiful eyes and his funny expressions


• The little gurgles, grunts and sighs he emits when trying to communicate with us


• The big, gulping breaths he takes when we are comforting him from a crying fit


• The brightness of his eyes when he first wakes int he morning


• His adorable little dimples


• Watching his hair and eyebrows fill in


• Tummy time


• Taking long walks with him


• His solemn little stares as he takes it all in


• His round cheeks and chubby little face


• Giving him baths and watching him happily splash around


• Hanging out and playing with him as he kicks his legs, waves his little fists and turns his head from side to side


• Seeing the kick he gets out of the smallest things (a bright toy, music he likes, an engaging book).

I am so looking forward to teaching him new things, introducing him to new experiences and watching him discover the world around him!!!

Here's to you my baby boy. To the person you are, the person you were (only two short months ago) and the person you will become. Every day with you is an adventure. I love you!

-New Mommy in Town

Time Flies

Teach, your children well

And feed them on your dreams

The one they pick

The one you'll know by.

Don't you ever ask them why

If they told you, you would die

So just look at them and sigh

And know they love you..."

About a month ago, when I was in the throes of brand new motherhood and brooding over every cry, gasp and sigh that my baby emitted, I got a call from one of my favorite aunties, inquiring as to how I was doing. I admitted to her that I was struggling. A heavy combination of sleep deprivation, forgetting to eat and not having a chance to bathe as frequently as I was used to had left me wondering if I was cut out for the hefty job of motherhood. My aunt assured me that all new moms face these same thoughts and also told me that I would miss these times. "What?" I questioned her incredulously, "why would anyone miss THIS?" My aunt chuckled as she sagely replied, "I know it sounds crazy, but you will miss it. You spend the first few months bonding so intensely with your child and then you spend the next 18 years learning to let go."

These words struck a cord with me and, in the days and weeks that have followed, I have begun to see things differently. I have stopped looking at every cry as a reason to worry incessantly and rather have begun to really listen to his cries, notice his smiles and respond to his oohs and ahhs. In response I can tell that he is learning to trust me and he cries less and smiles more. He looks up at me and shows signs of being comforted and feeling secure. I have had to push myself to learn how to see things through the eyes of a child again and suddenly dancing around the living room to children's music or going to the park and looking at birds or reading books about the color blue don't seem like tedious silly tasks to me anymore but rather now seem like new adventures and learning experiences to look forward to and savor.

I have been striving lately to face each day as a chance to do something new and exciting (even if it is just strapping on a baby bjorn and sweeping the kitchen floor). Because, while changing poopy diapers all day or rocking a sleeping baby for hours or wiping drool off my baby's chin for the umpteenth time might not be what I would most like to be doing, each of these important task carries with it a moment that I will never have again and each moment carries with it a chance to teach my baby to trust, to learn, to feel secure. I have been blessed with the enormous responsibility of raising a child and I want to take that responsibility seriously. I may never have these small chances to hold my baby, or see his smile or play with him again, as none of us know what the future holds. These days will go quickly and soon, he will be walking, then talking, then he will be in school and making friends and learning to be his own person and all too soon, he won't won't want me to cuddle him or to rock him or sing to him.

So mothers, hold your children close. cradle them, protect them, sing to them, soothe them, set guidelines for them, teach them, love them. Take time every day to kiss them, play with them, tell them that you love them. That way, you can watch with pride as they grow into the people they will become and you will always have the memories of how you helped them along the way to warm your heart and bring them back to you, regardless of how far they may wander away from home.

May god bless all mommies (and daddies too) everywhere!

-New Mommy in Town