Letter To My Son 04/14/2011

I hope that someday I am able to relay to you accurately just how much joy you have brought into my life. Before you arrived I tended to get so frustrated over things that didn't matter. I tried to control every situation and would give into the quite childlike behavior of throwing an adult sized tantrum when things didn't go the way I had planned. Ever since you came into my life, you open my eyes every day to something new and teach me something I didn't know I was capable of learning. I know that you will not remember these days, or perhaps, if you do, you will remember only small things here and there, but I will always treasure every minute of them. The greatest part of my day, every day is getting you ready for bed and rocking you to sleep. We sit in the dark and you lean your head back against me. I rock you gently and sing to you while you alternate between drinking your bottle and savoring your Binky. I know that you are asleep when you begin to snore lightly and your bottle (and sometimes the Binky too) drop to the floor and you don't try to retrieve them. Once you are asleep I lay you softly in your crib, tuck your teddy bear into your arms, cover you and tiptoe out of the room. In the morning when you wake up, you usually just play quietly in your crib until I hear you and, when I come into your room, you jump up, reach your arms as far as you can over the side of the crib and smile at me, all ready to get up and play. I love that your room is so uniquely yours, with soft teddy bears, crayons and coloring books, your dresser, your cherry wood changing table, your toy chest, and of course your comfy crib.

In addition to all that you have taught and are teaching me, my favorite lesson so far is learning the importance of slowing down. I want to savor every moment with you, because we shall not pass this way again...sometimes I will be cleaning or rushing to get something done, and you will grab onto my leg, look up at me and smile and suddenly I forget all about what I was doing and just sit with you and hold you or play with your toys with you. You are so affectionate and sweet and smart, too smart sometimes! I took you into the Sees candy store in the mall with me about a month ago and gave you a small piece of chocolate. Yesterday we passed by the Sees store and you started pointing at the store window, straining to get out of your stroller and generally freaking out, wanting some more chocolate. Trying to appease you, I gave you a flier with pictures of chocolate on it which you happily grabbed from me- and tried to eat! I love your funny, knowing little looks and your quirky sense of humor. When we tell you not to touch or play with things you generally obey. For example-you are fabulous about not going up or down the stairs by yourself, we never even had to get a baby gate! But there are definitely times that you test to see how far you can get with good old mom and dad. We have never let you touch or play with the cat food so of course, you are dying to touch and play with it. You will get as close to the cat food as you can and, when we see you and tell you no, you will veer off in the other direction as though it were never your intention to get into the forbidden food. You crack me up.

Recently you have started this little game with me where I sit on the stairs and you sit on the stair behind me and lay back. I then lean up against you and you start cracking up and then give me a hug and a kiss. I highly doubt you will ever remember doing this but I will never forget it. :) I have had years of exciting, memory making experiences in my life, in different places with all kinds of friends and family but this small game we play and the field trips we take to local places like the Zoo, OMSI the Children's farm or even just the grocery store, are by far, the most fun, fulfilling things I have ever experienced.

I cannot believe that 16 months has gone so fast. You are growing up before my very eyes and I absolutely adore the person you are growing into. I am so completely, hopelessly in love with you and I thank God every day for giving me the gift of being your mom.

Giovanni's Mommy!

Everything I thought I knew

It dawned on me today that throughout our whole lives we are learning, growing into and striving to be this idea that we have of ourselves. This idea of ourselves is formed through experiences, thoughts, feelings, family ties, school, society. etc.. Then, in an instant that idea of ourselves and our reality can suddenly change and we have no choice but to adapt to a completely new reality. I think for some people having children, getting married, reaching their career goals, etc..is a life long goal. For others, finding their soul mate, having children, finding a career they are passionate about is unplanned. For both groups however, the actual attainment of these life changes, and the realities these changes embrace, can come as a complete surprise and therefore present one with an entirely different concept of themselves then they ever imagined.

I, for one, am a case study of an individual that never thought (or even desired) to get married or have children. While dating, my husband and I originally discussed marriage as a means to ensure that I would be covered by his health benefits (terribly romantic I know). Once we were engaged, I certainly never thought that children would come into the picture anytime soon (if ever). But lo and behold. fate had other ideas and, three months prior to our wedding date, I was pregnant..

...The journey of motherhood has been, thus far, an exhausting, exhilarating, terrifying and beyond words joyful experience for me. There is no feeling that can compare to that of holding my son close, watching him learn to walk, try to run, begin to form words, and just being given the great gift of being his mother. However, with all of the life enhancing ups and downs of motherhood, there has been an almost complete departure from the person I thought I was before I had my son. Gone are the days of endless nights spent with friends and lazy weekends spent sleeping in, dining out, and generally doing as I pleased. My career path that saw me frequently working 50 hours a week and volunteering myself for night and weekend shifts has been traded in for a new career path where I will not take any job that has me away from the house for more than 25 hours a week. My grand plan to put my son in childcare and return to full time work a month after his birth has given way to my husband, my father and I splitting up shifts so that my son (now 16 months) is always in the care of a family member that loves him. My house, once spotless and decorated in a simple, elegant way, is now strewn with brightly colored, noise making toys. Dining out with my husband at nice restaurants a few times a week has been replaced by home meals and quick outings to any family restaurant that will supply crayons and a coloring book and doesn't mind the occasional flinging of food or ice cubes. My bookshelf, once filled with poetry and small business books, has been taken over by Dr. Seuss and Curious George. Even my bathtub has been taken over with bath toys, baby washcloths and baby shampoo.

There is not one corner of my house, my heart or my life that is strictly mine anymore. Giovanni has moved in, set up camp and taken up permanent residence. My definition of myself, my new self, is evolving daily and, although I had 30 years of evolving into the self I thought I was, I don't miss that former me at all. In fact, I can barely even remember the person I thought I was. While this new self is nowhere near where I thought I would be at this point in my life, I know for certain that there is nowhere else I would rather be.