The Luckiest Time of the Year

Every day, in my mind, the same voice, “Must write more, must record these fleeting moments as they occur so that someday I can relive them through words”. And every day the same weary response, “I worked so hard today, so tired. I will write tomorrow.” Alas, tomorrow comes and there are no words, no memories recorded, no new page in the baby book or witty blog to remind me of the time that is flying by much too fast. So, today at least, fueled by annoyance with myself that my last baby book entry for Giovanni was his FIRST birthday, today, I will write.

Giovanni is growing up so fast, too fast, before his doting mother and father’s eyes. He is a beautiful boy with sparkling eyes that appear dark brown but, when the sunlight hits them just right, they are the most amazing hazel color, filled with hues of green and gold. He turned 2 on November 16th and we had a pizza/play land extravaganza at Out of this World in Hillsboro on the 16th followed by a big home birthday bash for him the following Saturday. The party was a big success with a custom made basketball cake, play doh sculpture making contests, musical chairs, pin the nose on the clown, and of course lots and lots of friends and food in the house. The highlight of G’s party was when his dad presented to him a wooden table top train set, each piece lovingly picked out and the table hand painted by Johnny. Johnny had spent weeks on this special gift and the pure, innocent joy on G’s face as he ran towards the set made all the hard work more than worth it.

Not to be overshadowed by birthday fun, Thanksgiving quickly came rolling in. G was getting over a cold and slept most of Thanksgiving day while we made a 13 lb turkey accessorized with stuffing, green bean casserole, scalloped potatoes and macaroni and cheese. Johnny watched football most of the day and it was a beautiful, relaxing time for our family. The Saturday following Thanksgiving we took Giovanni to cut down a tree at a Christmas Tree Farm. The outing was far from the idyllic adventure we had imagined with Giovanni crying to be held by his father the whole time, whining, falling in the mud and acting generally perturbed that we would dare take him out when he was just getting over his Thanksgiving cold. We picked out a medium sized tree quickly and got it home to get our cranky boy out of the cold and down for a nap. The next day I took Giovanni to Target where he picked out his first ornament. It is an adorable little blue penguin and I wrote the date and Giovanni’s name in glitter glue on the back. The next morning, when G came downstairs and saw his ornament hanging on the tree he kept pointing and shouting “Bood” (translation: Bird) and “Tee” (translation: Tree).

Along with all of the wonderful holiday memories we are making this year, there are 2 more that stand out in my mind. The other day Johnny and I took Giovanni out to breakfast at a little place on Hawthorne that we both enjoy. The name of the restaurant is the Saucer Cup. Giovanni had some blueberry coffee cake while Johnny and I enjoyed a garden scramble and a breakfast sandwich. After breakfast we decided to walk down Hawthorne and look at shops. It was the first sunny day in a long time and, although a bit chilly, the warm sun felt fantastic in contrast and we were all in a good mood. Giovanni wanted Johnny to hold him and I turned this into a game of tag with Johnny running ahead of us, Giovanni running after him and me running after Giovanni. When he would catch up to Johnny, Johnny would swoop him up and I would come running up from behind to tickle Giovanni while he laughed hysterically, G looked so cute with his little golden curls bouncing in the wind while Johnny ran with him. We took him to a toy shop called Kids At Heart where they had the most amazing selection of unique, quality children toys. Johnny bought Giovanni’s Christmas presents there (a little cloth bowling ball set and a wind up boat that goes in the water for bath time). We also got him a tiny cat figurine (background: G is OBSESSSED with cats, our cat Jazz, included). The whole ride home Giovanni carried the cat figurine in his hand, staring at it and saying “Cat” repeatedly. The next morning I had to laugh when, getting G out of his crib, I found the cat figurine in his bed, near his pillow. He must have taken it to bed with him for his nap the previous day.

Yesterday, at my work, they had the 29th annual Festival of Trees put on by Providence. I had to work but Johnny brought Giovanni (all snug in his brand new stroller-an early Christmas present from my dad) down to the event and Giovanni got to decorate his own cookie, visit with Santa (still not a fan-see last years holiday post) and visit the Teddy Bear hospital where they gave him a free teddy bear and bandaged up any boo boos it may have incurred in the process of shipping and handling. It was so great to take a small break from work and visit with my boys. Giovanni was tired but looked so comfy in his cushiony brown and green stroller complete with snack tray, cup holder and a warm blanket to snuggle into.

This holiday season has been so full of memories and adventures (and it’s not even Christmas yet). I am so thankful this year for the little things , like a child’s first ornament he picked himself, a new stroller so my baby travels in comfort, a cat figurine and family to share the love with. In the bigger picture, I am overjoyed with the feeling of new life growing inside of me. Every flutter and kick jumpstarts my heart and my imagination into daydreams about the feeling of snuggling, caring for and bonding with this soon to arrive new born bundle. I am so blessed to have a life overflowing with love. Even if some of the pages in the baby book go blank, or a month or two goes by without a blog entry. I carry each memory with me, in my heart. That way, no matter where I am in the world or what my circumstances, I will always have them close by to remind me of just how lucky I am.

Happy Holidays!

-New Mommy In Town

Oh happy Day! I am 3 months pregnant with our 2nd child. :)

As I watch my almost 2 year old son watching other kids at the park and striving to interact with siblings that he sees in the same way that he sees them interacting, the thought of our impending addition makes me so happy for him, for me, and for our little growing family as a whole. What has not been making me so happy is the toughness of this pregnancy thus far. I will openly admit that I underestimated how hard it would be to have a baby still in diapers and a huge increase in work hours while being pregnant. Besides being completely sleep deprived, feeling insanely nauseous, getting frequent headaches and heartburn and feeling wound up as tight as a steel drum, I am doing great. But it is the aforementioned feelings that have been getting to me. I find myself yearning for the days of my first pregnancy where I woke up at 9, ate some breakfast, took a nap until 1, watched some TV, read, took a walk, cleaned my house and had my feet up, relaxing before bed by 9pm. If I did have any nausea or discomfort with that pregnancy it is no wonder that I do not remember because I was too busy sleeping and relaxing all the time.

Well, so here I am, not feeling great, not able to drink much water, fairly stressed and even more stressed that I am not eating right, sleeping right or doing much of anything right for this baby. And through it all, the Portland rain has started with no end in sight, my son seems to have the energy of 10 two year olds and mommy is plain old exhausted. I pray that, when this baby finally arrives, they will quickly forget that they were forced to subsist on toast, pizza and saltines for 3 months because it was all mommy could stomach, or that they were deprived of much water for their first trimester because iced tea and diet Pepsi were all mommy could stand the thought of drinking. Even further, I hope they will have forgotten the endless stream of tums and the occasional coffee to keep me from falling asleep at work.

Baby, if you can hear this (or sense this rather), I apologize. I am truly trying my best no matter what all those mommy advice websites say about my actions. At this point, you are just a tiny, pea sized, alien looking being, but you are already so loved. Your beautiful 7 week sonogram picture is on our refrigerator, showing you resting comfortably. I have told your big brother that you are in my tummy and every day he pulls up my shirt and puts his hand on my belly to "visit" you. We are all eagerly awaiting your arrival. And don't fret little one, from everything I have heard, the nausea should let up here soon and mommy will be back to her perky, productive, healthy self! Lots of love from your dad, mom and your amazing big brother Giovanni. We love you and can barely wait the 6 long months until we get to meet you!

XOXO-Mommy

Having grown up being taken to church every Sunday and hearing person after person preach at me without seeing them living by the words they were speaking led me to turn away from the church for a very long time. I felt like my relationship with God was my business and I didn't want to be around people that would judge me or judge anyone for that matter. after all, it is not our place to judge others, it is our place to show the fruits of the spirit (love, patience, forgiveness, etc...) and to leave any judging up to God.

Well, after many years of not going to church, after i had my son i felt a real pull to not only find a community of believers where I could be myself, make friends and worship as i wished to, but also to find a place where my son would be raised among religious beliefs that matched my own. One Sunday morning, at my mother's urging, i took a chance and typed a search into Google for churches near my house that offered childcare. I found one nearby and I liked the name of the church so I took a chance and went. What I found there blew me away. In honor of the 4th of July, this church was having their service outside, followed by a children's bike parade and a potluck. I dropped my son off at the daycare where a group of children his age gathered around him showing him toys and greeting him with their sweet toddler giggles and smiles. The sermon was amazing as the preacher spoke of giving without an audience and doing things for god rather than calling attention to ourselves. The pastor was funny, lighthearted and down to earth. I felt an immediate connection and application between what he was saying and what i had always believed. the sermon closed with everyone being invited to bow their heads and, if they wished, to say out loud a prayer for our government and our leaders. Tears streamed down my face as i heard person after person approach the troubles of our world and the conflicts we face from a place of love and prayer rather than from a place of fear or anger. After the service I stayed for the potluck and i witnessed an outpouring of offerings from the congregation that resulted in a beautiful children's parade and a delicious lunch. I sat and spoke with two elderly women, one that had been attending this church since the 50's except for a 10 year period when she lived in Africa as a missionary. The other, it turned out, had lived in my hometown for 5 years where her and her husband had started a church. The women asked me what church I had gone to before this one and i openly admitted that I had not gone to church for a very long time and was honest about my reasons why. they simply nodded their heads as I spoke and then expressed their happiness for having my presence at their church this day and told me they looked forward to seeing me again next Sunday. As I left, i felt hungry to come back and feel that sense of acceptance and closeness to God from people that were living what they spoke about.

the next Sunday, after having a grueling week filled with work, household chores, countless arguments with my husband, conflict with my stepson and a grumpy teething baby on my hands, I returned to church by myself feeling sad, defeated, stressed to the max. On my way to church, i was praying that God would change my household's hearts so that we could work as a cohesive unit. That day, a guest pastor recited the Lord's Prayer and then went through, line by line, looking deeper into the meaning of each verse. He spoke of the fact that,if we are praying for someone or something, we need to be prepared to be the answer to that prayer. When he recited the line about giving us this day our daily bread he went on to say that, when god was in the desert, the devil knew he was hungry and came to him to tempt him saying, "Aren't you the saviour that can turn rock into bread? if you are hungry, why don't you do that?" He spoke of how god refused to give into the devil because he was full of the word of God and that, if we are to resist the devil trying to tempt us by taking advantage of what we are hungry for (love, money, success) we need to be full of the word of god (our daily bread) so that we will not be tempted by our hunger. He spoke about our hearts being like a cup and that, if our cups are full of anger, resentment or sadness that we are holding onto, we have no room for the love and light of God's presence so we must take our cups and pour our hearts out to God. It turns out the man that was speaking has been a member of this church for several years and, 5 years ago he moved himself, his wife and his 4 children to China where they live as Missionaries, in the last 5 years, they have started a rehabilitation center, a garden and a ministry where they invite strangers (or angels as he called them) into their home to fellowship. the mans wife showed a slide show of their life in china and you could see how them living through the spirit has blessed their family and their lives.

I left the service that day feeling renewed. I had cried out to god (silently of course) throughout the service and my heart felt renewed, empty and full of space for the word of God to fill me and work through me). When I got home I had a long talk with my husband and then with our stepson where we laid out ground rules for how we would treat each other and our home. We agreed that once a week, each of us would choose an activity that the whole family could enjoy together. My husband and my stepson agreed to go to church with me twice a week and my stepson enrolled in a weekly youth group.

Of course this is fairly new to us and i do feel that i and my family will continue to grow and blossom with the help of the lord but already, i can feel a difference in how we are interacting with each other, how we speak to each other and even in my own reactions to things that occur. My husband, who has a fairly new side business recently found out that, due to something he had had installed on his brand new car by a "friend" damages had been caused to his car and it was going to cost him $1200 out of pocket to repair. In the past my husband would have been really upset by something like this and may have taken it out on people that had nothing to do with it. So, imagine my surprise and delight when my husband stayed calm and even praised Jesus on the ride home that, due to his side business which this "friend" had helped him start he had enough money to pay for the car repairs without having to dip into savings. When I heard him give thanks to god, even under circumstances that were not ideal I knew that my prayers were working and i know that, if we continue to walk on this path, displaying the fruits of the spirit and putting our trust in god, we will surely be blessed.

Looking forward to the future!

-New mommy in Town

Letter To My Son 6.26.2011 (18 months)

To my beautiful boy,

Last night as I was trying to get to sleep I kept finding images and thoughts of you entering my mind and filling me with happiness. The sense of joy, wonder and well being that you bring to me is indescribable. When I wake up in the morning my first thought is of you. I wonder if you are up and, if you're not I wonder how long until you wake up and I can hang out with you. When I hear your happy sounds fill the air I go into your room and find you standing in your crib, smiling and reaching your arms out to me. I pick you up and you rest your head on my shoulder. You have started giving the most amazing hugs. You wrap your arms tightly around my neck and we sway gently together, me rubbing your back, holding you close and savoring every moment. When we are in the store or at the park there will be times when I lean in close to you to tell you I love you or to tie your shoe and you will reach out your arms, pull my face close to yours and rest your forehead on mine. I am so in awe of you and so delighted in your every giggle, new expression and exclamation. Today, I left the refrigerator door open while grabbing some items from the pantry and, when I looked over at you, I discovered that you had taken out a carton of eggs and were happily smashing each one on the floor and rubbing your hands in it. You are the master of being very quiet while being up to no good and it is a good lesson to me to always be on the lookout! You LOVE getting your hands dirty, playing outside and shrieking at the top of your lungs when something exciting catches your eye. You love birds and are not afraid to show it. The other day, when we pulled up to the park and I took your seat belt off and let you out, you ran squealing across the grass with your finger pointed at the sky looking at a group of birds that were flying away. You are generally sweet with other kids but you are starting to test your limits with others and will sometimes pull or push another child on the playground and will then quickly look around to see if mama has noticed (which she usually has!). You love to clap your hands, love to laugh and love to have others looking at you. If you notice that you have an audience you will give a mischievous grin and show off some of your unique dance moves (these moves usually consist of you turning yourself in a small circle before falling down and beaming your big bright smile). Everyone loves your smile and your beautiful dimples. Trips to the store, the park or the mall never fail to draw comments on how cute you are and these comments certainly don't go unnoticed by you as you beam and coo at each and every admirer. You have such a bright happy spirit and I pray you never lose that magnetic light that makes me so proud to be your mama. You were born with the sweet strong spirit of a leader and I would love nothing more than to watch you cultivate that so that others that are having trouble finding their way might use your light to guide them. One of your favorite activities is being read to and you will often bring me one of your favorite books (favorites include the Jolly Barnyard and Baby Bear Baby Bear What Do you See) you will then curl up next to me while I read each book to you a couple times through.

Raising a child is definitely work but the joy I get from being with you hardly feels like work to me and when I am away from you my heart aches to be with you and to feel the peace and happiness that I only know when I am with you. I love the bond that we share. You are everything to me. I have never known a love like this and did not even know that I was capable of such deep, unconditional love. Thank you for being in my life and for always aspiring me to want to reach further, do better and be more...for you.

With the greatest love always,

Your mama :)

Letter To My Son 04/14/2011

I hope that someday I am able to relay to you accurately just how much joy you have brought into my life. Before you arrived I tended to get so frustrated over things that didn't matter. I tried to control every situation and would give into the quite childlike behavior of throwing an adult sized tantrum when things didn't go the way I had planned. Ever since you came into my life, you open my eyes every day to something new and teach me something I didn't know I was capable of learning. I know that you will not remember these days, or perhaps, if you do, you will remember only small things here and there, but I will always treasure every minute of them. The greatest part of my day, every day is getting you ready for bed and rocking you to sleep. We sit in the dark and you lean your head back against me. I rock you gently and sing to you while you alternate between drinking your bottle and savoring your Binky. I know that you are asleep when you begin to snore lightly and your bottle (and sometimes the Binky too) drop to the floor and you don't try to retrieve them. Once you are asleep I lay you softly in your crib, tuck your teddy bear into your arms, cover you and tiptoe out of the room. In the morning when you wake up, you usually just play quietly in your crib until I hear you and, when I come into your room, you jump up, reach your arms as far as you can over the side of the crib and smile at me, all ready to get up and play. I love that your room is so uniquely yours, with soft teddy bears, crayons and coloring books, your dresser, your cherry wood changing table, your toy chest, and of course your comfy crib.

In addition to all that you have taught and are teaching me, my favorite lesson so far is learning the importance of slowing down. I want to savor every moment with you, because we shall not pass this way again...sometimes I will be cleaning or rushing to get something done, and you will grab onto my leg, look up at me and smile and suddenly I forget all about what I was doing and just sit with you and hold you or play with your toys with you. You are so affectionate and sweet and smart, too smart sometimes! I took you into the Sees candy store in the mall with me about a month ago and gave you a small piece of chocolate. Yesterday we passed by the Sees store and you started pointing at the store window, straining to get out of your stroller and generally freaking out, wanting some more chocolate. Trying to appease you, I gave you a flier with pictures of chocolate on it which you happily grabbed from me- and tried to eat! I love your funny, knowing little looks and your quirky sense of humor. When we tell you not to touch or play with things you generally obey. For example-you are fabulous about not going up or down the stairs by yourself, we never even had to get a baby gate! But there are definitely times that you test to see how far you can get with good old mom and dad. We have never let you touch or play with the cat food so of course, you are dying to touch and play with it. You will get as close to the cat food as you can and, when we see you and tell you no, you will veer off in the other direction as though it were never your intention to get into the forbidden food. You crack me up.

Recently you have started this little game with me where I sit on the stairs and you sit on the stair behind me and lay back. I then lean up against you and you start cracking up and then give me a hug and a kiss. I highly doubt you will ever remember doing this but I will never forget it. :) I have had years of exciting, memory making experiences in my life, in different places with all kinds of friends and family but this small game we play and the field trips we take to local places like the Zoo, OMSI the Children's farm or even just the grocery store, are by far, the most fun, fulfilling things I have ever experienced.

I cannot believe that 16 months has gone so fast. You are growing up before my very eyes and I absolutely adore the person you are growing into. I am so completely, hopelessly in love with you and I thank God every day for giving me the gift of being your mom.

Giovanni's Mommy!

Everything I thought I knew

It dawned on me today that throughout our whole lives we are learning, growing into and striving to be this idea that we have of ourselves. This idea of ourselves is formed through experiences, thoughts, feelings, family ties, school, society. etc.. Then, in an instant that idea of ourselves and our reality can suddenly change and we have no choice but to adapt to a completely new reality. I think for some people having children, getting married, reaching their career goals, etc..is a life long goal. For others, finding their soul mate, having children, finding a career they are passionate about is unplanned. For both groups however, the actual attainment of these life changes, and the realities these changes embrace, can come as a complete surprise and therefore present one with an entirely different concept of themselves then they ever imagined.

I, for one, am a case study of an individual that never thought (or even desired) to get married or have children. While dating, my husband and I originally discussed marriage as a means to ensure that I would be covered by his health benefits (terribly romantic I know). Once we were engaged, I certainly never thought that children would come into the picture anytime soon (if ever). But lo and behold. fate had other ideas and, three months prior to our wedding date, I was pregnant..

...The journey of motherhood has been, thus far, an exhausting, exhilarating, terrifying and beyond words joyful experience for me. There is no feeling that can compare to that of holding my son close, watching him learn to walk, try to run, begin to form words, and just being given the great gift of being his mother. However, with all of the life enhancing ups and downs of motherhood, there has been an almost complete departure from the person I thought I was before I had my son. Gone are the days of endless nights spent with friends and lazy weekends spent sleeping in, dining out, and generally doing as I pleased. My career path that saw me frequently working 50 hours a week and volunteering myself for night and weekend shifts has been traded in for a new career path where I will not take any job that has me away from the house for more than 25 hours a week. My grand plan to put my son in childcare and return to full time work a month after his birth has given way to my husband, my father and I splitting up shifts so that my son (now 16 months) is always in the care of a family member that loves him. My house, once spotless and decorated in a simple, elegant way, is now strewn with brightly colored, noise making toys. Dining out with my husband at nice restaurants a few times a week has been replaced by home meals and quick outings to any family restaurant that will supply crayons and a coloring book and doesn't mind the occasional flinging of food or ice cubes. My bookshelf, once filled with poetry and small business books, has been taken over by Dr. Seuss and Curious George. Even my bathtub has been taken over with bath toys, baby washcloths and baby shampoo.

There is not one corner of my house, my heart or my life that is strictly mine anymore. Giovanni has moved in, set up camp and taken up permanent residence. My definition of myself, my new self, is evolving daily and, although I had 30 years of evolving into the self I thought I was, I don't miss that former me at all. In fact, I can barely even remember the person I thought I was. While this new self is nowhere near where I thought I would be at this point in my life, I know for certain that there is nowhere else I would rather be.

The Best Part Of My Day

I have been reading some other mom blogs and wondering where these moms find the time to write so much (and to make their content so witty at that). I dream about someday having a full time nanny (or perhaps a lunch break) and being able to spend at least an hour or two a day writing new blogs, getting sponsors, following blogs, commenting on blogs and becoming a blog master within a big, blogging universe. Sigh. But, until then, I will continue to grab my daily (or sometimes weekly) 20 minutes here and there of blogging time that I am able to squeeze in between the gym and making dinner.

Well, since this is officially some of that time, let me get started :)

My son has started a new ritual with me that I adore. We stopped letting him take his late afternoon nap and he now just takes one, early afternoon nap a day. We found that this helps him go to bed early and sleep through the night. It used to be that I would rock him with a small lamp on before bed. He would sit facing the room and it was always a struggle to keep him on my lap as he would wiggle and try to get free. You know, to go do more entertaining things like banging on the wall, rolling around the room, holding his bottle upside down and shaking milk on the carpet, those kinds of things. Well, one night, about two weeks ago. I decided to rock him without the lamp on. As we sat in the pitch black room, he started wiggling and I picked him up to place him on the floor but instead he turned and placed his head on my shoulder where he soon feel into a deep sleep while I rubbed his back. Since then, this has been the ritual every night.

I must say that putting him to bed, although I always found it enjoyable, is now, hands down, my absolute favorite part of my day. Some nights, while laying his head against my shoulder, he simultaneously curls his fingers in my hair or moves his hand in a patting motion on my shoulder. Other nights, he falls asleep quickly and I sit and delight at his soft sighs and snores. Every night, I sit there, long after he has fallen asleep, just rocking him, rubbing is back, feeling the essence of him, which is all laughter and love and innocence and savoring the moment. I know that these days will go fast, too fast (they already are racing by) and I am pretty certain that, no matter how persuasive I may be, there will be no way that he will allow me to sit and rock him to sleep in my arms once he is a teenager or young adult.

So, for now, and for as long as he will let me, I will take all the time that I can to cuddle him, snuggle him and rock him to sleep in my arms. That way, even though these moments will not last forever, the memories of them certainly will.

Sweet Dreams My Son

-New Mommy In Town