I met my first love when I was 14 years old. I was crazy about him from the minute I met him. Over the next five years...through high school and a little bit into college, our love would grow into something more serious than i believe most young kids experience. For one thing, I went to a continuation school the last year of high school. and my father, being especially lax about such things (or maybe just not having a clue as to how to handle such a free spirited, strong willed firecracker of a daughter) let me make the hour long train ride into Berkeley (where my sweetheart lived) approximately once a week. Once there I would stay for a few days at a time (until I had to return back to school) and my love and I would spend endless hours which turned into endless days listening to music, watching movies, hiking around the Berkeley hills, eating, giggling, exploring the city, passionately arguing and passionately making up. Being the strangely enlightened teenagers we were (he much much more than I) we saw a counselor a couple times a month for couples counseling, faithfully used birth control and visited the University campus and botanical gardens frequently for sightseeing and make out sessions. I had never known anyone like Jon. His parents were two very intelligent university professors and Jon was a well traveled vegan that spoke more than one language, listened to progressive music, meditated and was an amazing artist. In addition, he was sweet, kind, gentle, funny and I was head over heels in love with him. After high school, Jon went to Europe for 6 months and things began to fall apart. He met someone for a short time and I began meeting other people too. When he came back to the states he moved to Santa Cruz and I followed. He was enrolled in University of Santa Cruz and I was enrolled at a community college. We kept our relationship going for a time, but by then our feelings were muddled by so much time apart and confusion as to where we stood. After a year or two I met someone that would be a long term relationship (4 years) for me. I called Jon over to my house and ended things between us for good. he cried, I cried. we listened to Lauryn Hiill's "Keep It Tight" while he held me close and I breathed in his scent, thought about all our memories together and wondered if I was making a mistake. At the time, it seemed this was the right thing to do, and in hindsight, although the relationship I moved onto didn't last, and didn't end well either, I wonder if Jon and I would have fared better if we had stayed together, or if we would have ended up resenting each other or hurting each other by not sharing the same feelings or by meeting other people and moving onto other serious relationships eventually. Either way, it was the end of an era for sure.
Today, I am married and I have a beautiful son. Although it is not always sweet words and tender feelings and there are, to be honest, some things about my husband I downright do not like, there is much love and a long history between us. Plus, the addition of family, children and going through real life hurdles together, does make you stronger and add to your feelings of devotion for your spouse.
This being said, I was going through an old box of stuff today and came across a small stack of letters that Jon had written to me while he was in Europe. Reading through them brought back a lot of nostalgia. In his letters, his love and devotion to me are clear and his words are full of the strong, hormone fueled feelings that only teenage love can produce. He speaks of us being soulmates and therefore loving each other enough to feel that we are connected at the soul. He talks about me being amazing, strong, and in some ways, fragile. He speaks of our love being intense, potent and the best feeling in the world. Reading through these letters made me feel good that someone had held such intensely wonderful feelings for me but it also made me sad that real life does at some point have to intervene. I got to thinking, why is it that feelings that intense can't be maintained for a lifetime? I mean, I believe that, to some extent they can. When my husband is not around me for a length of time, I miss him terribly, but at the same time, I have responsibilities and bills to pay and distractions and I cannot just lay in bed and mope all day thinking about how much I miss him. I asked my dad if he thought that the feelings of first teenage love can last and he replied, "I don't think so, I mean, people that have been together 60 years, you don't see them just sitting in each others laps and kissing and staring at each other all the time, the guy is usually just sitting on the couch watching TV and the woman is doing whatever she is doing."
I think I realized right then why a first love is so special and why it is rare, maybe even downright impossible, to ever capture that exact feeling again. When you are young and unencumbered, the only thing you have to focus on in the whole world is each other. You don't have bills to pay or a mortgage to worry about or kids diapers to change or teenagers eating everything in the whole house or an old cat pooping on the floor...again. The only scheduled time that is required is school time or time to see each other. When you are fighting it is because he looked at another girl too long, not because you overspent on your credit cards and don't know if you can pay your rent. So here is what I realized. No, love may never produce those same feelings without a boatload of hormones running through you, but maybe it can be even better (and much more real than that). Maybe the feeling you get when you look back on your life and you have a gaggle of well rounded children and grandchildren, extended family, friends, neighbors and acquaintances that care equally about the well being of both you and your spouse and you have built a whole LIFE together with hard work and have worked equally hard at keeping your love alive, maybe THOSE are the ties that truly bind you together in a love built of not only passion but mutual respect, admiration and devotion to one another. And hey, that sounds pretty damn life altering, amazing, potent, and intense to me.
I am so glad to have known Jon and I will never forget our experiences together. We are friends to this day and I have nothing but love in my heart for him, for what and who he was, what we had, what and who he is and who he will become. He is amazingly talented and a beautiful person. Our experiences taught me so much and were invaluable at helping to shape me into the person I am today. We don't talk as often as I would like but I hope, more than anything that he is happy and that I made as big of an impact on his life as he made on mine. I hope that one day, I can dance at his wedding, meet his children and, when we are old, that maybe we will one day find ourselves sitting in rockers with our respective loves and family and can look back at our lives, look at each other and agree...that we sure did good :)
Much love to you and all whom you love, have loved and will love!
-New Mommy in Town
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